2021 is the year we claim our sexual freedom! Can I get an Amen, please?! Sure, talking about sex with our significant other can be a bit awkward, especially if we’re talking about fantasies and desires — but opening up about these things can really transform your relationship. There’s a catch though — your partner has to have enough emotional maturity for there to be an understanding. You also have to be able to communicate these needs and desires in a way that doesn’t sound condescending to your partner. Here are some tips you can use in order to effectively and efficiently communicate your sexual needs, fantasies and desires to your partner:
Start while the relationship is still new
It’s a good idea to start talking about sex early on in a relationship because the longer you wait, the harder it will become. Establish trust and intimacy first with easier conversations, say about consent or contraception. You can then move on to what feels good, and what doesn’t, and go from there.
It’s never too late to start
If years or decades have gone by without a couple really talking about sex, it’s very hard to start talking about sexual fantasies and what nots. Your partner might start wondering why you are suddenly interested in new sexual positions. A good idea would be communicating by leading and showing them what you want or need.
Start low and go slow
When it comes to sharing sexual fantasies and desires, start low and go slow. Begin with some tame, vanilla fantasies to see how your partner responds. This will help build trust and intimacy. If you’re in a long-term relationship, you have time. Make sure you tell your partner what role they play in your fantasy, so they don’t feel excluded or threatened.
Timing is everything
It might seem more natural to talk about sex just before or after you’ve had it but talking in the heat of the moment, without your clothes on, might make you feel vulnerable. Instead, make time away from the bedroom, at a time when neither of you is rushed. This doesn’t apply when it comes to sharing your sexual fantasies – best to do this when you’re already turned on. Your disgust response lessens when you’re aroused, so your partner may be more receptive.
Be clear – and explain
Your partner is not a mind reader: if you don’t feel like sex because you’ve just had a coffee and your breath smells, or you’ve just been to the toilet and feel dirty, tell them that. Otherwise, they won’t understand why they are being pushed away and will feel rejected.
Be positive, not critical
Use “I” rather than “You” sentences when communicating your sexual fantasies, needs and desires to your partner. It’s less accusative and puts you in control. For example, say, “I feel …” rather than “You make me feel …” Be nice to your partner. Say something like, “I really like it when …” rather than “Stop doing that”.
The most important thing when it comes to communicating about sexual needs, fantasies and desires is to establish an open, friendly and relaxed conversation about sex. The more you talk about sex as a couple, the more freedom and honesty you’ll find when it comes to asking for what you want.