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Dating a partner who has been married before is not only a science in itself but there are so many things that you will encounter in your journey that you would have never
guessed will even be an issue.
I have always been attracted to men who are older than me. I am not sure if it’s because of loosing my dad when I was very young and so I have unconsciously always been
looking for that father figure, or it could be the fact that I have always been mature beyond my age if I may say so myself. (At the risk of blowing my own horn)
Anyways, it was not a surprise when I met my husband who is 18 years my senior. I had no qualms giving him a chance.
After a few dates I liked what I saw, our relationship developed and we decided to get serious. He had four children, which he didn’t keep a secret from me and we agreed
we would live with the kids as one big happy family. Which we are now, but it has taken many years of sweat, compromise, and lots of patience from each one of us.
(Story for another day)
Over the years I have noticed that my husband doesn’t get all excited and jittery over the issues that seem to demand such reactions/feelings.
A good example is when I had my first child. I was super excited and couldn’t wait to hold him in my arms. On the other hand my husband did not share the same
level of hype.
Don’t get me wrong he was happy for us and our new child, but in a more subtle nature. This pissed me off to high heavens. But let’s be realistic, he had already had four
children. It was not exactly an epic moment in his life. He had named his mother twice already! (He was in the delivery room through the whole process)
This also happened with our wedding. I was very happy that he proposed and wanted to do things the right way traditionally and legally. In terms of the traditional
wedding he was very keen on it, and that wasn’t my cup of tea. On the other side, for the church wedding he left it to me and he was happy to just sign the cheques.
I was busy arranging and fussing over every little thing. But he was calm, cool and collected. He used to look at me raising my pressure level and just smile as he
tried to calm me down.
Other firsts would be my son’s first steps, first day of school, his first play where he actually had a role (I was super excited for his first one liner in a play).
Oh I remember how I made his first birthday such a big deal. It was a full-blown party with 400 hundred guests. But before you go ahead and judge me, he was
born preterm at 7 months and we were not so sure he would make it.
Trying to think of other firsts, our first wedding anniversary, our first property to purchase together and many other firsts you can think of that might be important
to a young adult (25-35 years of age).
The fact that my husband was never excited about our firsts as much as much I was used to hurt and bother me a lot. I decided to approach him about it and after a
long unfruitful argument that dragged for weeks we decided to see a counselor on the topic.
After a few the sessions we were able to find a balance and come to appreciate that due to our age gap what I considered firsts to me were not firsts to him.
He had been there done that; he had been married before, had his first child many years ago (when I was still in high school) bought his first car, his first property,
gone through his first marriage anniversary before I was even an adult.
He had been there and done all that before I came to the scene. So they were firsts only to me. He was definitely happy about my own milestones and he would allow
me to celebrate them as I wished because he could understand my perspective. But it was unfair of me to expect the same enthusiasm to be shared.
From then on it hit me that we will always have different perspectives and priorities due to where we are in life. As am busy worrying about my son’s first haircut he
will be busy planning for a college fund for our university going kids.
So from then on I made my peace and let go of the so many firsts that I considered to be so important and managed my expectations.
Has anyone experienced any of the above or anything close to this? Looking forward to hearing from you guys. We need to encourage each other in this journey.